Magic Kingdom
by Eyana
Summary: The Twins agree that Walt Disney had a very sadistic sense of humor. Sequel (if you want to call it that) to “Patience.” Please R
1. Prologue: Service With A Smile

**Title**: Magic Kingdom

**Author**: Eyana

**Summery**: The Twins agree that Walt Disney had a very sadistic sense of humor. Sequel (if you want to call it that) to "Patience." Please R&R

**Rating**: PG-13. Some course language. 

**Distribution**: Ask first, archive later. 

**Warnings**: Anyone scared for life from watching many Disney movies as a tot like me may either laugh like mad reading this or run away fast. "What?? You mean Pocahontas was really a 12 year old girl?? WHY DO HER BOSOMS HEAVE LIKE THAT??!"   

**Authors** **Note: Hmm.. well, I'm at it again. I don't think this will be that long, but then again I thought Patience would only be one chapter. Ha. Ha. Ha. You don't HAVE to have read "Patience" to understand this, but the first few chapters might make a lot more sense if you do. Up to you – hey I sometimes read books backwards. Okay I lied, I was just trying to make you feel better. **

Also, I have not been to Disneyland for a very VERY long time. No doubt there have been many hideous changes since my last visit. Just try to ignore and I'll do my best to make this fic make sense. *sarcastic laughter*

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Twins or the Matrix universe, but I DO now own the pair of silver boxers Two left at my house last Saturday. What's that you say? I should give them back? HELL NO! I also (thank the bloody gods) do not own Disney or anything affiliated with them. 

**Feedback**: E-mail me at chrissy_butter@hotmail.com. No flames please.

**CHAPTER ONE: **

"No.. no I dun wanna get jiggy with Justin Timberlake.."

"Excuse me?"

"Itssssss not hiz fault he smells like a potato..."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Two sharply glanced over at his twin who was drooling profusely over the leather covered car seat. Finally clueing in to the fact that his counterpart was engaged in sleep-talk, Two slapped his brother's forehead and quickly turned back to the road as if nothing had happened. One jolted awake – screaming - and drenched in a cold sweat.

"AGH! PUT IT AWAY JUSTIN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT IT AWAY!"

"Good morning to you too."

One turned groggily towards his brother, yawned and stretched his arms as far as the confining space of the car would allow. He seemed to be completely unaware of the fact that he had been talking in his sleep - a fact that Two would enjoy hinting at for hours to come. 

They had been driving for three days now, however their trip was frequently interrupted with bathroom breaks and One's desire to take pictures of funny looking rocks they drove past. He insisted the last rock they went past looked insanely like "Wonder Boy" (aka Neo), though Two could see no particular resemblance. 

After the two of them had managed to escape the Merovingian's Babysitting Assignment of Hell only a few days ago (in which they were locked in a pink room with a horrid child program for six hours) the Twins had joyfully migrated towards the nearest super-market for a frisky round of "bun poking." However, they're giddy smiles from watching horrified old women gasp with disgust at the little finger holes they left in the fresh rolls soon disintegrated as both were tapped on the shoulder. They had turned around and were shocked to see the Merovingian, drenched in blue paint, wearing bunny ears and a sign with the words "I HAVE A SHRIVELED BODY PART" childishly scrawled upon it. For some odd reason he was wearing paper clips on his toes. Needless to say his pedicure and manicure were completely ruined. 

The Twins never did figure out how the Merovingian got out of the room, but they believed it had something to do with the fact that he promised Samantha he would program NSYNC as her personal playmates for eternity. Obviously the experience had left the French man with a burning itch for revenge, and he got right too it – by sending the Twins on another fool errand. When the two of them protested, the Merovingian simply threatened to deactivate their credit cards and reprogram them both with beer bellies. The Twins quickly agreed and got into the car, much to the Merovingian's dismay.

Which is where they were now – One smoothing out the wrinkles in his silver coat that had manifested from his nap and Two driving (like he always did), trying as best he could to follow the miserable directions the Merovingian had scribbled on a cocktail napkin. They were to follow these directions exactly, and upon reaching their destination they were to find and pick up a list of things the Merovingian and written rather illegibly on a piece of pink Kleenex. What exactly the Merovingian needed these things for the Twins did not know, but knowing their boss they preferred as little details as possible. From the look of the directions they were about a day away from their destination – and One was very hungry. 

"My stomach's growling."

"Punch it."

"I already did. It won't stop."

"Well what the hell do you want ME to do about it?"

"Well maybe if you STOP somewhere to get some FOOD.."

Two gripped the steering wheel tighter in aggravation. He had been driving for over 72 hours without rest (not that he really needed it, being a Bad Ass program assassin and all), dealing with various slow and annoying motorists who refused to speed up while his brother twitted his thumbs like an idiot in the passenger seat. Usually, between the two of them, he was the one who displayed the most emotional control in these types of situations. But that last soccer mom in the ugly blue van a few hours back really pissed him off when she refused to go through numerous red lights. She had about ten hyper rug rats in the back who bounced off the van walls and pressed their chubby faces against the windows – making obnoxious fish faces that clearly accentuated their natural ugliness. When Two was finally able to pass her, the mom rolled down her window and screeched "GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FRAKY JACKASS!" To which Two promptly replied "I'M A PAID ASSASSIN AND I KNOW YOUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER!" He would visit her again. Oh yes. 

"MCDONALDS!"

One's sudden outburst caused Two to snap back into reality and turn his head towards his brother – whose face was pressed against the passenger side window while his finger pointed repeatedly at the restaurant coming up on the right. 

"No. We are not stopping." Two answered shortly. 

"But I'm hungry!"

"If it weren't for you, we would be there and back by now!"

"What did I do?!"

Two made his voice go higher in a bad imitation of his brother, which was rather stupid considering they had the exact same voice to begin with. 

"Oh look at me. I'm One. That means I'm important. I want to stop every 15 minutes to take stupid pictures of boring rocks that, in my deranged insanity, figure to be likenesses of stuff. Oh look at that! Why, it looks like a piece of broccoli-EEYGH!"

Two was interrupted with One poking him in the eye. The car swerved dangerously for a few seconds before Two gained control again. 

"You ASS." Two muttered, blinking repeatedly behind his sunglasses like a new born possum in the sun.

"I'll do it again in a minute if-"

"ALRIGHT! WE'LL STOP!" 

Grumbling, Two yanked the steering wheel to the side, forcing the car to turn rather violently around so that they were now driving against traffic. A few cars frantically shifted out of the way before Two finally got back into the right lane which lead to the McDonalds they had passed a few minutes ago. An old woman driving a rather hideous station wagon managed to poke her wrinkly hand out the window to finger the Twins as she went by them. One simply smiled and waved. 

Two turned into the fine establishment - the tires screeching on the musty pavement quite loudly- and looked to his brother who had a somewhat giddy smile across his face. 

"We've already wasted enough time. Drive-Thru only."

"Fine." One sat up a bit in his seat, getting ready to order. 

"AND…" Two continued as they pulled up to the illuminated menu, ".. no Nuggets."

One's eyes widened at that last comment. 

"NO NUGGETS? YOU CAN'T DENY ME THE NUGGETS!"

Two turned towards the menu, glancing thoughtfully at the various items listed. "You never finish them anyway." He waved the air dismissively. 

"_Welcome to McDonnalds, may I take your order?_" A voice crackled into the air, interrupting the tension between the two programs. 

Taking advantage of the fact that he was in the drivers seat and thus closer to the menu, Two took all the time he needed. Stroking his imaginary beard, he read each combo carefully - weighing the estimated calorie counts in his head. One was eerily quiet. 

"_…. Sir? Are you there sir?_"

Two decided that the combos were too fatty and moved on. 

"Yes.. I was wondering if you have-"

"NUGGETS!"

"Shut up! I was ordering!"

"NUGGETS!"

"Will you SHUT the HELL UP?"

"NUGGETS!"

"AAAAAGH! NO! You never finish them! You just eat a few, poke at the rest, and complain that they're too spongy to be real meat! AND THEY MAKE YOU GASSY!" 

"NUGGETS!"

"_So.. That's four Chicken Nugget combos?_"

"NO!" Two turned towards the speaker, desperate to get his order in and cancel his brother's requests. He did _not want to be in a car with his gassy twin after four Nugget combos. _

"_Excuse me sir?_"

"Ignore those last orders! My brother has mental problems and needs to be strapped down." The cars behind them started to beep impatiently. One waved again. 

"_Your brother has the exact same voice as you?_" The woman was annoyingly suspicious. Two supposed she had one to many fake orders from various drunk and rowdy teenagers. 

"YES!"

"_And he's insane?_" 

"YES! He has the same voice as me because we are albino twin highly-paid assassins on a fool errand for our kingpin boss! The last.. uh.. task we had to complete left him a bit out of the loop that's all! Honestly I don't know what's so hard to understand about this. Now if I could just order-"

"_Sir.__ You know it is a criminal offense to badger the menu box."_

The beeps from the cars behind them got increasingly louder. One was now laughing hysterically.

"OH FUCKING HELL! Listen," Two spat, hurriedly, "I want a light salad tossed with a Dijon vinaigrette and an iced tea. My brother will have 3 happy meals with absolutely NO Chicken Nuggets, and a chocolate milkshake. We want it as fast as humanly possible with no mistakes or I swear I'll burn this place down. Do you understand?"

"_I'm going to get my manager_."

"AAAGGHHHH!" Two slammed his head into the steering wheel, making it beep loudly and adding to the chaos already around them. 

"And to think this all could have been avoided if you just let me order the Nuggets." One smirked at his twin. Two growled. 

************************************************************************

"Where do I turn?"

"Left, then right again two blocks down."

One spoke between bites of his hamburger while looking at the Merovingian's directions. Two nibbled on a lettuce leaf while he turned the steering wheel accordingly. 

They had eventually acquired their food from the fine establishment, however it wasn't easy. The manager had to actually come out of the restaurant and look at the Twins for himself before he finally believed they were what they said they were. The fact that One was "playing' with his switch blade helped matters a bit, as it enforced their claims that they were assassins. The manager actually ordered one of his employees to go across the street and buy Dijon mustard vinaigrette for Two, since McDonalds didn't exactly carry any themselves.  After they received the food from a shaking staff member at the pick-up window, the Twins were sure to leave quickly. They heard police sirens in the distance. 

 "Turn right one more time then you're there." One instructed, taking a noisy sip of milkshake through a yellow straw. 

"We bloody well better be." Two retorted. He desperately wanted to get out of the stupid car and stretch his legs. 

Finally, he stopped the car per the Merovingian's instructions in front of their destination. Squinting through their sunglasses, the Twins look up at the enormous colorful sign which loomed over their heads. They sat there for a few moments, before Two broke the silence. 

"Diss-knee-lannd?" He spoke as if the word was completely foreign. 

"What hellish place is THIS?' One glanced around nervously at the groups of children that passed their car. 

"I don't think I want to know…" Two shivered and took another sip of iced tea. 

One took another bite before he turned his head to scowl at his hamburger. 

"You know… this bun is awfully squishy."

"Don't. Even. Start."

****************************************************************

Just a note: I don't own McDonalds. I've never worked there. And yes, I think their Nuggets are unusually springy. 


	2. Chapter 1: Price of Getting In

**Title**: Magic Kingdom

**Author**: Eyana

**Summery**: The Twins agree that Walt Disney had a very sadistic sense of humor. Sequel (if you want to call it that) to "Patience." Please R&R

**Rating**: PG-13. Some coarse language. 

**Distribution**: Ask first, archive later. 

**Author's Note**: Wooooooooooowwwww…. It's been a while since I've updated this little baby. I have two excuses: (1) I've just started university and am busy as hell, and (2) the little fuzz ball I call "My Brain" has run into a little writer's block. I apologize muy muy much. I haven't visited ff.net in a while and WOOO are there EVER more Twin fics than there were when I was last here! YAY!      

I also… have a little "peace offering" for letting this story slip off the front burner then off the back burner and onto the dusty floor. In the final chapter, I will write in a reviewer(s) as a character the Twins interact with for a little time. I don't really know how I will choose this person(s), but I image it will have something to do with how many reviews that person leaves. HAH! Oh I'm evil… no, I'm not that cheap. I'll probably just choose the person by closing my eyes and pointing with my finger. Although.. I imagine the reviews help a tad… heh heh. 

**Feedback:** chrissy_butter@hotmail.com    No Flames Please? Please? I wove u…

**CHAPTER TWO:**

"We are getting aggravated."

"Well if you would get up off your fat ASS and help me find a spot then this would go A LOT quicker."

"I am helping. There's a spot over there." 

"Where?"

"There."

"Where?!"

"THERE!"

"WHERE? HOW CAN YOU EVEN SEE LYING DOWN LIKE THAT?"

"Oh never mind I was lying. I was just getting tired of hearing you screech like a squirrel being boiled in fish stock."

"…. Leave Mr. Jiggles out of this."

The Twins had been circling the Disney Land parking lot for the past 45 minutes, searching in vain for a spot to park their car. After a few minutes, One pushed his seat back so that he could lie quite comfortably, letting his brother have all the spotting fun. Two was becoming increasingly irritable – they had to pay $25.95 to even come into this hideous oversized parking lot, and the fact that it was obviously full was never mentioned to them by the overweight grub-of-a-human-being behind the lot desk.  He simply scratched his incredibly large belly – which was covered with nacho cheese and coffee stains – and mumbled something like "Why do I get all the freaks" as he gave Two his change. One observed his nametag, which read EARL, and leaned over his brother to ask rather obnoxiously "Hey EARL, do you piss out the window or do they give you a little pot under the desk for when you really hafta-" He was cut off by his brother's hand roughly covering his mouth, speeding the car away from the obese human with an increasingly red face. 

"This is going to take forever if we can't even park the bloody car."

Two sighed and stopped the vehicle, bringing his fingers to his temples and rubbing them in a circular manner. He hated crowded places – being surrounded by ninny humans was not particularly any rogue programs favorite pastime. Seeing that they stopped, One finally sat up in his seat, yawned as if he had been doing all the work, and scratched his leg lazily. Two's eye twitched.

Suddenly the familiar noise of a car starting up yanked the brothers back into reality as their heads snapped in every direction, looking for the sound's source. Two's eyes settled on a small sports car a few spaces ahead of them – there was smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe and dissipating into the air. 

"A-HA!" Two cackled giddily, eagerly grabbing the steering wheel in anticipation.

One grinned widely, but his expression fell as he noticed a large van suddenly turn around the bend before them, heading directly for their spot. A young man was at the wheel, his presumed wife in the passenger seat, and two delightfully disgusting children resided in the back. Judging by his choppy driving, the Twins guessed this family has been looking for a space for quite a while. 

"Oh you little bastard.." Two gritted his teeth, gripping the steering wheel tighter. He's be damned if he was going to let this piss-head and his piss-head wife and his piss-head children get his pissing spot. "Wait… that doesn't sound quite right…pissing spot?" Two thought aloud. One didn't hear him as he narrowed his eyes at the family, who appeared to do the same to the Twins. 

The set-up mimicked the old Western movies (which Two despised and One adored), both cars faced off, revving their engines trying to psych the other out. The small sports-car was obliviously backing out of the space – practically signaling a countdown for the vehicles. Two was nearly growling, he made up his mind that loosing this spot to fucking family-boy over there was simply not an option. The husband in the van leaned closer to the windshield as his prissy wife appeared to be saying something along the lines of "If you don't get _this space I'm going to divorce you" while his little runts cheered in the back seat.  It was sickening. _

The sports-car was almost completely backed out when Two slammed on the gas and sped like a maniac for the spot. The van did the same – his tires screeching on the pavement so loudly it caused smoke to fizzle off the concrete. Both cars were reaching considerable speed and neither showed signs of backing down. However just as the van closed in, Two suddenly stopped the car and turned the wheel hard to the right. The momentum forced the car's back to swerve around and crash-butt the van to the side – sending it completely off course. Two then promptly adjusted his alignment and backed into the spot with incredible control and accuracy before the van could even comprehend what happened. 

"OOOHH BURN BITCH BURN!" One shouted out of the window as the husband leaped out of his car to assess the damage to his vehicle, spouting numerous curses that forced the mother to command the children cover their ears.  

Two shut off the engine and the Twins exited the car in sync, identical devilish smiles feathering their lips. The husband turned to them – sweat pouring off his face- and started yelling obscenities. "You ASSHOLES! You KILLED MY CAR! What's your names? I'm going to get my lawyer down here IMMEDIATELY! You stupid l-little… uh… um…" 

The man was reduced to stuttering as the brothers walked over to him and he realized they were a good foot and a half taller. Assessing his situation, the man apprehended that it would perhaps be best not to aggravate two tall incredibly pale twin men with dreadlocks and matching silver dusters. Probably members of some Western sect of the Yakuza. 

One bent his head towards the husband, who thought it quite possible he was going to piss his pants. Mere inches from his face, One stared at the man for a few long moments, relishing in the simple delight of becoming this crusty crack's nightmare for the remainder of his pathetic life. Finally, One spoke:

"Boo."

The husband screamed, jumped into his car and sped away like gerbil being fired from a slingshot. 

Quite satisfied with the man's response, the Twins adjusted their ties and followed the signs that lead to the front gate of the park. However their momentary burst of confidence was immediately deflated when the Twins beheld the massive lineup that stood before them. 

"AAAAAAGGHHHH! WHAT DOES IT TAKE HUH?!" Two screamed in frustration and beat his head against a tree. 

One felt incredible nauseous as his eyes darted around to the various hordes of children scampering about. Numerous runts looked as if they could have potentially sticky fingers, and he didn't want to get close enough to find out. There were so many - like coach roaches who wore oversized sun glasses and neon pink shorts. One realized that he had not been around so many children in the entire course of his existence. He wanted to cry. 

Two eventually stopped bashing his noggin and (remembering his yoga routines), took a few deep cleansing breaths. In his mind, he repeated his mantra of "I am a powerful, sexy assassin. I am in control of everything. I will bitch-slap this problem to hell." After a few moments, Two opened his eyes and was himself again, walking up beside his twin. He then noticed that One was trembling considerably – his feet practically rooted into the pavement.

"…One?" Two asked cautiously. If there was one thing he knew about his brother, it was that children didn't exactly bring out the best in him. 

One's eyes narrowed, a muffled hiss escaped his lips. The hiss turned into heavy breathing, which turned into hyper ventilating. Two knew that he needed to calm his brother down before he went on a murderous rampage and starting killing every one in sight. Not that that would necessarily be a bad thing; however it would insure that their task would be harder to complete in the larger scheme of things. Carefully, Two placed his hand gently on One's back. 

"AAAAGH!" One screamed, and immediately put his brother in a choke-hold. 

Two squirmed like some sort of odd eel, thrashing about before he realized his twin was completely panic stricken and thus didn't know what he was doing. He had BETTER not know what he was doing. 

"Let me go you freak. It's me. Your unfortunate brother." Two moved his arms in an attempt to slap his twin's head.

"How do I know it's you?" One asked shakily, eyes darting from side to side like a hamster on crack. 

"… you have got to be fucking kidding."

"HOW DO I KNOW IT'S YOU?"

"Last year you started to write haiku poems with permanent marker on your underwear. Please don't make me remember that ever again."

There was a long silence. Several passing mothers wrinkled their nose in uncomprehending awe at the sight of two full grown men in frozen in such a position. Maybe they were mimes. 

"…. Two?" One finally spoke, letting his brother out of the hold and shaking his head as if suddenly coming of a daze. Two growled, fixed his deadlocks and smoothed out his coat, all while giving his brother the evil eye. 

Looking back at the massive line, the Twins decided that waiting in such an abomination was not going to happen. Since it was most likely best that One stayed away from all manner of curious poking children – annoying turds that they are – Two determined that he would phase through the gate and let his brother in through a more remote door from the front.  One agreed.

Two then calmly and confidently walked up to the entrance, passing by the ridiculous line and smiling like he was the hottest of hot shit. Several families looked at him, wondering what exactly he was doing. __

_Sorry suckers, _Two thought_, waiting in line in this blazing heat is so blatantly "human."_

Just as he was about to phase, a firm hand attached to an arm that could have belonged to some sort of enormous Amazon tree pressed against his shoulder – blocking his way. Two confusingly looked up to see a gigantic man with a rather stern expression and a bad case of stubble. His bright yellow jacket was covered with dark bold lettering that read "SECURITY."

"Excuse me sir," the man started with a gruff voice, "but you're going to have to wait in line like everyone else."

"Really? Well isn't that too bad?" Two grinned, and prepared to phase through the security guard. Only he didn't. Two looked down in horror as his body remained completely solid. 

"No…" he wheezed. 

"Problem sir?" The man's grip on Two's shoulder was tightening. 

"No.. no problem.." 

Two tried again. Nothing.

"I'm just.."

He tried again. 

".. attempting.."

Again. 

"..to.." 

Again. 

"… do something.. here.."

With every try Two pressed himself into the security guard, trying to will himself to push through him. The guard stood there awkwardly still, one hand continuing to block and practically prop up the strange pale man. Two used all his weight to push through him and phase, resorting to make strange grunting constipation noises in exasperation. 

"AGH….UGH…UUUUUGGH… AAAGGH..PPPFFFFTT… AAAAGHUUUU"

"Sir. Please stop that or I will escort you off the premises. This is a family place."

"FINE! I'M GOING I'M GOING."

Two stiffly turned around and angrily walked back to his brother – audibly grinding his teeth. Once he reached his twin, Two sighed and shook his head. 

"It appears we cannot phase again dear brother. No doubt part of our punishment from the blasted Merovingian. Stupid bastard…"

"Oh is THAT why you were making those noises?"

"…yes. Now come on. We have to get in line.."

One started trembling again.  

******

One more thing… if anyone has any idea on what rides the Twins could visit or what attractions etc. please e-mail me. I haven't been to Disney Land in a VERY long time and need help remembering all that was there! 


End file.
